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  • How do you call a mother cow that got separated with her baby cow?

    ..de-calf-feinated
    Posted over 4 years ago by justjest
    Average Rating (5.00, 1 votes)

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  • If you're booking a hotel for your family and they ask how many hours you want, the correct answer is always zero.
    Posted about 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (5.00, 1 votes)

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  • I hate the double standards between men and women. When a woman goes out and sleeps around with a bunch of guys she is considered a slut, but when a guy does it, he is considered a homosexual.
    Posted about 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.50, 2 votes)

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  • These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts.

    First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that."

    Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."
    Posted about 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (4.00, 2 votes)

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  • An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
    Posted about 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.33, 3 votes)

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  • Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?

    Never mind, it's pointless.
    Posted about 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (1.67, 3 votes)

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  • Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

    It was in tents.
    Posted about 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.25, 4 votes)

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  • I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (2.67, 3 votes)

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  • What kind of pants do the Super Mario Brothers wear?

    denim denim denim
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (1.67, 3 votes)

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  • A man and his pony are walking down the road when suddenly someone comes up and shoves the pony over.

    The pony says to his friend, "Hey, can you yell at that guy for me?"

    His friend asks, "Why can't you do it?"

    The pony says, "Because I'm a little hoarse."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (2.50, 2 votes)

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  • What's Forrest Gump's password?

    1forrest1
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (2.00, 2 votes)

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  • I used to be afraid of hurdles, but then I got over it.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.67, 3 votes)

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  • Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

    In his sleevies.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.33, 3 votes)

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  • What do you call a camel with no humps?

    Humphrey.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.00, 3 votes)

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  • What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

    Wiped his ass.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.75, 4 votes)

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  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.50, 4 votes)

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  • Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a beer. The phone rings, and he jumps up and shouts, "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.20, 5 votes)

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  • Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • Did you hear about the guy with a jurisprudence fetish?

    He got off on a technicality.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.25, 4 votes)

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  • What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

    Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • I'm a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    Fo' drizzle.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.40, 5 votes)

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  • Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

    Because then it would be a foot.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.60, 5 votes)

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  • I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.40, 5 votes)

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  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

    It's ok, he woke up.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.80, 5 votes)

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  • What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

    Sneakers.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.67, 6 votes)

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  • How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?

    Put him in the back seat.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.20, 5 votes)

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  • A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (3.00, 5 votes)

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  • Where do you find a one legged dog?

    Wherever you left it.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (1.80, 5 votes)

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  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    A gummy bear.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.40, 5 votes)

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  • What kind of bagel can fly?

    A plain bagel.
    Posted over 6 years ago by justin88
    Average Rating (2.20, 5 votes)

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  • Where are otters from?

    Otter space.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • What's red and bad for your teeth?

    A brick.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.25, 4 votes)

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  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

    Because the "p" is silent.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

    Because his wife died.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.75, 4 votes)

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  • A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.33, 3 votes)

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  • An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

    One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

    Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

    "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    He replied, "I wasn’t."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (4.25, 4 votes)

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  • Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

    "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

    "If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"

    "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

    "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"

    "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."

    "What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"

    "I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."

    "Would he use my golf clubs?"

    "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.75, 4 votes)

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  • She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

    My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

    She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.50, 4 votes)

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  • I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

    If you can't come let me know.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (4.60, 5 votes)

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  • Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.50, 4 votes)

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  • A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

    To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.75, 4 votes)

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  • If I am ever on life support, unplug me ...

    ... then plug me back in. See if that works.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.33, 6 votes)

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  • How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    That's not funny.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (4.29, 7 votes)

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  • A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

    She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

    The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (4.38, 8 votes)

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  • Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

    The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

    The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

    While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

    To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.86, 7 votes)

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  • So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious. One says, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again."

    The woman then says a loud "You foul mouthed swines! In America we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey cool down lady." the Italian said. "Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.29, 7 votes)

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  • A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

    That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.

    That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his sideburns trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?

    The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (4.29, 7 votes)

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  • A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.29, 7 votes)

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  • Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (4.17, 6 votes)

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  • A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.

    Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

    When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.

    "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."

    The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.

    "Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."

    "Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (4.43, 7 votes)

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  • A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him get an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (4.14, 7 votes)

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  • Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

    I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

    The kids wouldn't talk to her, and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.33, 6 votes)

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  • A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.
    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
    She quietly called him over to her.

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt."

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.57, 7 votes)

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  • So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

    "Yup."

    "What if you miss?"

    He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I never miss..."

    "Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

    "Let's go," the assassin says.

    So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

    "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

    The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

    "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

    "Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.86, 7 votes)

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  • If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

    A swallow.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.29, 7 votes)

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  • While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

    Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

    Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

    Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

    Husband: "I fucked your sister."
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.86, 7 votes)

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  • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

    Feyoncè
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.29, 7 votes)

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  • A man goes to a bar and meets an escort. After talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

    "$50," she says.

    "$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" he replies.

    "Come over here," she says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

    "Wow, that looks pretty expensive." he says.

    "I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." she replies.

    The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.
    He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

    "$500." she says.

    "$500? That's fucking ridiculous." the man replies.

    "Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

    "Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

    "I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.

    So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

    On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"

    She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.88, 8 votes)

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  • So I picked up this girl the other day, and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend !" she exclaimed, "Quick, use the backdoor."

    Now it's at about this time I probably should have left, but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.38, 8 votes)

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  • A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.

    "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.14, 7 votes)

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  • A man takes his wife and his little boy to the circus. After a while, the dad gets up to get a beer, and the ringmaster parades the elephants out.

    "Mommy, Mommy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?" the kid asks.

    The mom turns red and says, "Oh, that's nothing, dear."

    The dad comes back with his beer and sits down next to his boy. Then mom gets up and goes to the washroom.

    "Daddy, daddy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?"

    "That's the elephants penis."

    "But mom said it was nothing!"

    The dad takes a long swig of his beer, pats his boy on the head, and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.29, 7 votes)

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  • A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

    "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.14, 7 votes)

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  • What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    Kicked out of the petting zoo.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.62, 8 votes)

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  • So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.38, 8 votes)

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  • Guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians?

    Everyone.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.12, 8 votes)

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  • Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

    He drank coffee before it was cool.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.25, 8 votes)

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  • A dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.44, 9 votes)

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  • Two snowmen are sitting next to each other. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.38, 8 votes)

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  • A guy walks into a library and says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke."

    The librarian looks at him quizzically and says, "Sir, this is a library!"

    He lowers his voice and whispers, "So sorry. I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.62, 8 votes)

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  • Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning?

    He was too far out, man.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.88, 8 votes)

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  • How Long is a Chinese Guy.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.50, 8 votes)

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  • What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

    Little Caesars.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.88, 8 votes)

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  • What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?

    The more you play with it the harder it gets.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (3.12, 8 votes)

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  • What's brown and sounds like a bell?

    Dung.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.62, 8 votes)

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  • Be nice to me, my mom's in the hospital.

    She's a nurse.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.25, 8 votes)

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  • What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

    Christopher Walken.
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (2.12, 8 votes)

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  • What did the zero say to the eight?

    "Nice belt!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by MadMike
    Average Rating (1.75, 8 votes)

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  • I bought a backpack that was field tested. They didn't say anything about how well it performed on the test, but I was glad that they showed some initiative.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.25, 8 votes)

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  • A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It is a shih tzu.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.25, 8 votes)

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  • I thought I'd save money by getting a discount circumcision, but it was ripoff.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.75, 8 votes)

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  • What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

    You call him an ambulance.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.75, 8 votes)

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  • What kind of bees make milk?

    Boobies!
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.50, 8 votes)

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  • A magician is driving down a road.

    Then he turns into a drive way.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (4.29, 7 votes)

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  • Where do colors go to jail?

    A prism.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.71, 7 votes)

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  • What's the difference between a boner and a Ferrari?

    I don't have a Ferrari.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.62, 8 votes)

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  • Two apples are in an oven. One apple says "Boy, it sure is hot in here!" The other apple says "Holy shit! It's a talking apple!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.62, 8 votes)

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  • What did the shy pebble say?

    I wish I was a little boulder.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.62, 8 votes)

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  • What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

    Luke warm.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.75, 8 votes)

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  • Why do dogs lick their balls?

    Because they can.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.25, 8 votes)

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  • How does Moses make his tea?

    Hebrews it.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.57, 7 votes)

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  • What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 3-year old?

    Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (2.88, 8 votes)

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  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Starfish
    Average Rating (3.88, 8 votes)

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  • Why was the constipated man rejected on all of his job applications?

    Because he was full of shit.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.57, 7 votes)

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  • She was only a prostitute, but she had the most beautiful face I ever came across.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (2.86, 7 votes)

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  • How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.86, 7 votes)

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  • A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to her.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.71, 7 votes)

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  • What's the main difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

    The taste.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.00, 7 votes)

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  • What do angry peppers do?

    They get jalapeño face.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.00, 6 votes)

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  • A man goes to the doctor for a physical, and the doctor tell him, "You should stop masturbating."

    The man says, "Why? Is it bad for my health?"

    The doctor replies, "No, but this is really not the time nor the place for it."
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.57, 7 votes)

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  • What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

    You can't hear a vitamin.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • Two birds were standing on a perch, and one says to the other "Do you smell fish?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (2.86, 7 votes)

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  • Why did the cat fall in the well?

    He couldn't see that well.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.86, 7 votes)

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  • What do you call a masturbating bull?

    Beef stroganoff.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (2.86, 7 votes)

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  • Why can't Helen Keller drive?

    Because she's dead.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (2.57, 7 votes)

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  • I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.33, 6 votes)

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  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in front of your door?

    Matt.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.33, 6 votes)

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  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

    Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • What sex position makes the ugliest child?

    I don't know. Ask your mom.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • It was mealtime on an airplane, and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

    "What are my choices?" he asked.

    "Yes or no," she replied.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.83, 6 votes)

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  • What do you call a fish with three eyes?

    A fiiish.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.71, 7 votes)

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  • Two alligators are eating a clown. First turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (3.57, 7 votes)

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  • Why don't blind people go skydiving?

    Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Giorgio
    Average Rating (4.00, 7 votes)

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  • I got a hand job from a blind girl last night.

    She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on!"

    I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg."
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (3.67, 6 votes)

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  • I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

    It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (2.17, 6 votes)

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  • A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
    "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
    The doctor says,
    "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
    The next week the lady returns.
    "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
    "Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.33, 6 votes)

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  • A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Sure do." the dog replies.
    "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
    "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says, "Ten dollars."
    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
    "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (4.17, 6 votes)

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  • What's E.T. Short for?

    Because he has short legs.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • Two TVs got married. You should have seen the reception.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (1.83, 6 votes)

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  • How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

    A buccaneer.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.67, 6 votes)

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  • There are two cows grazing in a pasture. One cow says "Mooooo." The second cow looks up and says "Hey! I was just about to say that!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.50, 6 votes)

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  • What's the difference between light and hard?

    You can sleep with a light on.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A stick.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.17, 6 votes)

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  • Why did the sperm cross the road?

    Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.20, 5 votes)

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  • What's grey and comes in buckets?

    An elephant.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • What happened to the frog that parked in the wrong spot?

    He got toad.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.17, 6 votes)

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  • What's the best time to go to the dentist?

    2:30
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.00, 6 votes)

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  • I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (4.00, 6 votes)

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  • What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

    Dam.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • Two peanuts were walking down an alley at night. One was a salted.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • What do you do if you see a spaceman?

    Park in it, man.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.67, 6 votes)

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  • What's better than winning the silver medal at the Paralympics?

    Having legs.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • "Hurt me," said the masochist.

    "No," replied the sadist.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.33, 6 votes)

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  • What is Charlie Brown's favorite food?

    Snow peas!
    Posted over 6 years ago by jestyjesterton
    Average Rating (4.14, 7 votes)

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  • I went to the corner store this morning - bought 4 corners.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.33, 6 votes)

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  • Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

    He was outstanding in his field.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.00, 6 votes)

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  • A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

    "Alright, what can you do?" the manager asks.

    "I can do great bird impressions." the man replies.

    "Pssh, a lot of people can do that."

    "Oh well." the man says and flies away.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (4.17, 6 votes)

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  • What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Charlotte
    Average Rating (4.17, 6 votes)

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  • Why couldn't the bike stand up?

    Because it was two tired.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.50, 6 votes)

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  • Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.50, 6 votes)

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  • How can you tell if someone's a vegan?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.50, 8 votes)

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  • Why is it hard to explain what a pun is to a kleptomaniac?

    Because they take everything literally.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (4.38, 8 votes)

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  • Why was six afraid of seven?

    Because seven was a six offender.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • What's the difference between a strip club and a circus?

    A circus has many cunning stunts.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • What do you call an alligator in a vest?

    An investigator.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Jerry
    Average Rating (3.67, 6 votes)

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  • A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

    The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.29, 7 votes)

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  • What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of carnies?

    Go for the juggler.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • Did you hear about corduroy pillows?

    They're making head lines.
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (2.83, 6 votes)

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  • How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

    Ten-tickles!
    Posted over 6 years ago by farmboy
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.17, 6 votes)

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  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.17, 6 votes)

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  • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.44, 9 votes)

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  • There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

    ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.33, 6 votes)

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  • Why are there no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

    Because the punch line is too long.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.33, 6 votes)

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  • What do wooden whales eat?

    Plankton.
    Posted over 6 years ago by cosine
    Average Rating (4.00, 6 votes)

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  • What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.83, 6 votes)

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  • Why couldn't the ghost get his wife pregnant?

    Because he had a halloweeny!

    Posted over 6 years ago by jestyjesterton
    Average Rating (3.57, 7 votes)

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  • What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

    With Twitter you only get 140 characters.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (3.86, 7 votes)

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  • Job Interview:

    "What's your greatest weakness?"

    "Honesty."

    "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

    "I don't give a fuck what you think!"
    Posted over 6 years ago by Ben
    Average Rating (4.14, 7 votes)

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  • What did sushi A say to sushi B?

    Wasssaaaaaabi ?!

    Posted over 6 years ago by Rachel
    Average Rating (4.00, 8 votes)

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  • What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

    The pilot.
    Posted over 6 years ago by Pat
    Average Rating (3.12, 8 votes)

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  • Why was 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 8 9!
    Posted over 6 years ago by Pat
    Average Rating (2.67, 9 votes)

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